Man can not live on beer alone

Forgive me father for I have sinned; it’s been over two months since my last blog.

Why?

Work, time management, insecurity. Lack of confidence can reduce me to inactivity – it’s the ‘what’s the point when I don’t think I’ll make it as a photographer?’ whine.

I’m a grown up, well I’m 40, I should provide my own impetus. That’s part of the MA experience. It’s our responsibility to forge forward and make our own opportunities.

The last couple of weeks have been better; I’m focusing on my final project and figuring how to include the smaller projects and essays into that. Yes, I still feel like I’m flailing a bit, but it’s my duty to reach out and ‘do’. I joined Dan and Tracey for the Paul Graham exhibition at the Whitechapel Gallery and talked to them. I asked questions, asked for advice and – shock horror – I felt better.

Yesterday I covered the second Kiss-In at the John Snow – a Samuel Smith pub whose ‘disgusted’ landlord evicted two gay guys for kissing. This shocked me. In London’s West End, the hub of media and liberalism? As of yet, neither staff or brewery have apologised.

The first Kiss-In appealed to gays to protest and show affection – the second called for gays and their friends to show solidarity. The pub, for the second time, closed its doors on the one of their busiest nights – losing both revenue as well as face. Is this enough? No, of course not.

As I get older I realise how much one’s sexuality can influence one’s experience. There are things my brother and his wife can do that I think twice about. They can kiss goodbye on a crowded train without fear of reprisal and, chances are, they won’t have abuse hurled at them for holding hands. Simple things.

This sounds negative and I don’t mean it to – but it’s about understanding the differences that we all, as diverse people, face. Which is why I’m thinking about documenting gay life for my final project.

This, of course, is like saying I’m going to document ‘straight’ life or ‘Chinese’ life. We’re all so varied and individual that it would be impossible – but there are similarities and universal experiences that can be studied.

I’ve only just started researching but, other than Wolfgang Tillmans, there seems to be little contemporary documentation of ‘gay life’ – other than porn and fashion shoots. I could be quite, quite wrong – research will illuminate.

Why do this? I don’t consider myself a political queer and I know that my sexuality doesn’t define me – but I do know it gives me a very different outlook to others.

We all have stories to tell, we all have a wonderful, individual experience – but throughout the years, the ‘gay experience’ has been occluded, ignored and erased. It’s so important to see, to know, to understand previous generations; if that history is lost, those people never existed – and that’s a crime for any people.

I believe knowing your past gives future generations a better understanding of themselves. This is who fought for my rights, these are the brave people who risked their lives for my burgeoning equality, this is their story – it’s valid and it’s part of our history. It’s part of mine.